On Grief and Engagement

"Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of community." --bell hooks in All About Love

It's Valentine's Day. I think I "ought" to be talking about romantic love.

But over the past few weeks, I have been pondering the flip side of love, which is grief. One of my dear friends is in hospice. Others have lost family members or pets. Still others are mourning things that once seemed certain but are now under attack.

As I attend to these loved ones, I have also been exploring what "engagement" means, wondering: is it being actively involved and if so, how? Or is it simply to be aware? Is engagement talking, or listening, or both?

And how are grief and engagement related? At first glance, they seem to be at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum—one rooted in loss, the other in connection. Yet, grief and engagement share some things in common, like presence. Whether tending to grief or fostering strong work connections, presence is needed to focus on what is here, now. Or consider empathy. Empathy lies at the heart of both grief and engagement. Empathy supports those who are grieving, and it also allows leaders to understand the varying perspectives and emotions of their colleagues, which can lead to inclusive decisions and better outcomes.

And, finally, what is the relationship between engagement and grief? How do they impact each other? Often, personal grief will impact someone's ability to engage with work. They may withdraw for a while. Later, they become more engaged than they were before, with a greater clarity about what is important to them. And, when coworkers are engaged with each other -- in other words, when everyone feels seen, heard, and valued -- they are able to offer real support to one among them who is grieving. Their concrete care can bring the team together. The quote from bell hooks, above, points to something I learned in my time of deepest grief. Reaching out was hard, but healing alone was harder. The friendships I formed and communities I joined then are still vital to me now. Knowing how crucial it is to be community in times of grief is why I offer group events related to healing and transitions now.

If there's someone in your life who is grieving, take a moment to engage with them. Give them a call and ask how they are today. Send a note of encouragement. Smile at them without saying anything. They will appreciate your presence and empathy.

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